backed up blues

fragmentation

2008-09-27T10:22:08Z

i leaves
crumbling to dust upon the wind
as dusk
moves across the canyon
night's stars fill the sky.

untitled

2008-09-27T10:06:03Z

i crumble
leaves to dust upon the wind
dusk
moves slowly across the canyon
bringing night's stars into view.

Long ago, a man.....#1

2008-08-14T02:27:02Z

Long ago, a young man arrived in Japan in the evening, and the next day went to the company that had hired him, to report for work. There, as he was meeting his new bosses, a young woman walked out of a meeting room. She was talking with friends, and walked on by, but there was something elegant about her which lingered in his mind. That night, after he had moved his things into his new apartment, he looked out the window at the moon, and thought of her.

Fawnlike
you walked by, eyes glistening,
sparkling
laughter filled the room with joy--
your spirit pierced my heart.

Moonlight
comfort me in this loneliness.
entranced, I see her
dance in the shadows of my room
as you shine through the clouds.

(with thanks to the Tales of Ise)

today

2008-08-11T11:34:14Z

saw you briefly
as though a white heron
flying overhead
with grace, beauty, and love,
approached, passed on, and was gone.

mirror

2008-08-09T22:11:35Z

in a drained lake
the land parched, the grasses died,
a lone blue heron
searches in the midday heat
for at least one bite of food.

thank you

2008-08-08T22:42:13Z

if my touch brings
the glow of dawn into your eyes
then let this kiss
be as the sun, so that its rays
will fill your soul with love.

she

2008-08-08T15:09:44Z

O mystery,
you have me in deep vortex
swirling again--
refractions of her smile
shatter my equilibrium.

dawn, old friend,
you came to be with me,
finally,
as i lay waiting for her
to come, at least, in dreams.

tanka before dawn

2008-08-07T18:25:59Z

sleepless again
in the greyless predawn
of the bedroom--
slowly my eyes adjust
to the silence without you.

love as dew

2008-08-06T15:38:49Z

your eyes
shine in the sunrise--
tiger lilies
enhance your smile of love--
oh joyous gift of dew.

longing

2008-07-30T17:31:13Z

Soft nights
breezes whisper as they approach
then explore
the contours of my body--
I dream of your lips, your touch.

for love

2008-07-29T16:12:54Z

lost on misty
memories mountain paths
fading sunset
lingers in the humid air,
i pause and feel your glow

smoldering

2008-07-26T21:25:10Z

A cigarette
dropped from a passing car
smolders
by the side of the road--
I, too, have been flung aside.

delusions

2008-07-26T13:09:53Z

i seem to be on the borderline
of constantly being delusional

or of
having delusions of grandeur

and then being waken out of the stupor
realizing the truth

and then
having no hope at all

and
seeing myself fade away completely

saving

2008-07-19T17:04:03Z

we become strong as we help others in their weakness.
in saving a life, we save our own.

virtual

2008-07-19T00:23:57Z

dawn-broken
dreams of a summer night--
you faded away
just as a pledge of love
came from our trembling lips.

thank you

2008-07-17T14:32:22Z

my deepest, most sincere, and humble, thanks for the warm, loving support that I have received.

as a result of that selfless gift, I have found my proper direction, and the strength to go towards it.

thank you for saving my life.

so tired

2008-07-16T23:33:05Z

i am so tired right now
totally on the verge of not caring
and yet in a few minutes
i will force myself to dress
and head into work
where i will be kind civil understanding sensitive warm caring

the gap between the inside and the outside
is just getting too big.

eating out
eating in
the line between
wearing thin

too thin
it can't hold the weight
much longer

a slow beginning

2008-07-14T14:02:25Z

Yesterday, Sunday,

Could do nothing.
Not sleep, read, or listen to music....
just stare out at the garden with all its flowers,
handiwork of my wife.

Do the I Ching,
and get Hexagram 20, which is about meditation,
called "Contemplation," though the character for Kuan,
the name of the hexagram in Chinese, means "to see, view,
look at..."

Do the Tarot
and end up being the Fool,
with the warning, be careful of stupid mistakes...
bit late for that
but it emphasizes I need to be careful not to make more.

That night I simply can't sleep.
Lie in bed staring at the wall, ceiling,
my wife's back,
then finally get up and go into the study,

where I sit in half lotus,
and meditate in the darkness.

have no idea how long it lasted,
but as my mind calmed
i realized this is what i have stopped doing....
that meditation is for me a medicine
unlike any other,

calm, strengh, clear vision,
slowly returned....

and sometime before it began to get light
i went back to bed,
lay down, and went to sleep.

up before six,
i felt a sense of peace and strength,
and renewed conviction of the need
for meditation.

it was so wrong to ever leave it.

suffering

2008-07-13T03:09:39Z

‘It is not suffering as such that is most deeply feared but suffering that degrades.’ Susan Sontag

http://www.redpepper.org.uk/Susan-Sontag

lately

2008-07-12T16:39:24Z

i feel the desire to live slipping a away.
turn to victor frankl's man's search for meaning, which has helped in the past......
but this time it only reinforces my sense of loss.....
i stare into silence,
again.

dream

2008-07-11T23:42:14Z

i awake to darkness
and gradually make out a path, an unpaved road, ahead.

there are tall trees on either side, oak, perhaps.
in the distance there is light,
which i begin to walk towards, slowly,
listening, for any sound at all.
there is none.
i have no idea where i am anymore.
i have no idea where i am going,
or where i have really been.

i come to a clearing.
there is a bench, at the side, and i sit.
looking behind me
the path fades away in the distance, into darkness.
looking ahead
the clearing provides something of a view of a horizon,
which is faintly glowing,
perhaps a town, or a highway.

i am tempted to go back into the darkness.
i search my pockets,
but they are empty.
i have nothing.
i am nothing.

i lay down on the bench and sleep.

nothing has changed when i awake.
who knows how long i slept.
the light to one side,
the darkness to the other,
the long line of trees on either side,
is all there is.

i stare into the underbrush,
wondering how thick it is,
then get up and head into it.

i no longer want to be on a path.
i feel no fear,
there is rather an inense emptiness.
i walk slowly,
holding my hands out, to move the lower branches away,
as i go through the brush.

my feet move carefully,
quietly, and soon darkness envelops me.

i keep going, perhaps for one hour, perhaps two.
the ground which had been flat,
begins to slope down.

there is no sound........wait......
i stop and listen again......
water flowing......a river?
i move toward it, suddenly thirsty.
and as te sound grows louder,
the slope becomes a bit steeper,
there are more rocks,
though the underbrush remains thick,
the trees towering above me.

when i reach the river
it takes awhile for my eyes to adjust.
there is just a bit of light,
making everything grey.

the river is about three yards wide.
does not appear to be deep,
to the left there appear to be some boulders and rocks
and the water flows around and over them,
making a kind of rapids.

i take off all my clothes
and lie in the water,
letting it soothe me,
purify me.

the water is cold,
and tastes sweet.
i drink my fill,
and lie back, resting,
suddenly tired,
very tired.

the river is red
blood
flowing from my wrists
i begin to flow
as well.
then fade,

waking
in a hospital bed
arms, legs
restrained

my wife
eyes blood red
sits beside the bed

you fool
she says
you fool
what are you trying to do

i am tired,
i say,
very very tired.

that is the end of the dream.
i wake from it, at 430, and cannot get back to sleep.
go downstairs
and sit on the couch,
breathing in
breathing out
calming
finding the quiet place
focusing on it
letting it grow
spreading through me

i still have no reason to live,
but also no reason to die.
there are things to do,
expectations people have of me

i get dressed, have breakfast
and go to work,

a vital, active cando success story
people coming for help
i give sound wise advice
all day

although the emptiness inside me
does not change
i stare into the mirror when i go to the toilet
and see a man
who no longer exists
for himself.

down

2008-07-08T22:44:13Z

down so low
dreamed the sheets turned red.
it didn't hurt.

your hand

2008-07-07T22:42:01Z

enter the twilight
shadows crawl across the floor
in hesitating rhymes
your hand
reaches through the dusk,
touches mine,
and moves on
into the night.

alone
i sit as darkness grows,
your hand returns
caresses me
in silence
and in tears.

age

2008-07-05T00:28:23Z

age
lingers
the hands and face show it

but the mind
cannot let go of youth
cannot let go of desire
cannot let go of hope

it keeps reaching out for beauty, love, passion,
that once used to come to it,
but is rejected

left standing at the side of the road
watching the cars go by
on their way to the party
youth inside laughing, sensual, passionate...

walking home
alone

sitting
in the darkness

feelings, desires, still strong,
penis hard for a woman
who is not there.

age waits
hoping at some point
to learn how to adjust to this fate
that comes to us all.

again

2008-06-29T01:06:51Z

in the morning
i rise to meet my wife
when she comes downstairs
hold her
she turns around to look outside
my hands linger on her breasts,
move down slowly,
she turns around to face me,
her eyes have a sudden loneliness,
no,
it just makes me too tired.
there are ways of having sex that are not tiring.....
please, she whispers,
her eyes staring at the floor.

ok